He's a Baby, Not an 'It!
by Andiee Lomlay
Summary: Bones, tired of James bedding every girl he comes into contact with, decides to give the captain a dose of what he deserves.


Hi. Uh, I guess this means that I'm officially of my hiatus. :s Hopefully everything goes okay.

So, here's my new one-shot. I hope it does as good as _Highly Illoigical Purchase_, but a few reviews would make my day. The standard disclaimer applies; now read on and enjoy.

"McCoy to Bridge."

"Kirk to Sickbay. What can I do for you, Bones?" Looking at the computer, Kirk saw his friend and resident doctor, Leonard "Bones" McCoy. On his face, he wore an infuriated expression, one that Kirk didn't know how to take. "Uh, Bones?"

"Will you report here now?"

"It's not time for my checkup, though." Jim looked around. "And I'm kinda busy right now."

"I don't care. Down here, now."

Kirk sighed. "Fine, fine. Kirk out." He turned off the computer. Standing, he told, "Spock, I'm taking five."

"Yes Captain."

Kirk left the Bridge and started his journey to Sickbay. As he did, he passed a few female Ensigns, and more than playfully gave them each a few winks. He couldn't help it. He was James T. Kirk; he loved women, and women loved him.

He continued his way. As he got closer to Sickbay door, he heard the sounds shrilling. He whistled. "Glad that's not my concern." He entered Sickbay to find the source of the shrilling: lying out on a table, legs spread and screaming, was a woman. "Whoa!" Kirk jumped at the sight. "What the hell--?"

"Jim, thank God, she's been screaming for you." Getting up from where he was seated, he called to the girl, "He's here, Miss McKaygen, just let me get him changed," then went over to Kirk. He clasped the captain's shoulder. "Labor, you think, over the years, would have improved. There are your scrubs. Get changed. Now."

"Wait. What?" Kirk squinted around, completely and utterly bewildered. "Excuse me? Bones, I'm not going to help you deliver a baby! Don't you have a staff for that?! I--"

"Of course you're not going to help, Jim. You're going to hold your girlfriend's hand."

Girlfriend? "Bones, I think you--"

They were interrupted by another loud scream, to which Kirk put two and two together. "McKaygen? Danielle McKaygen?" Flashbacks seized his brain: a visit to Earth, a barely legal girl, a night together…yeah, pleasant at the time, but now… "Are you telling me you're pregnant?"

"Very good, Kirk."

"Ouch!"

"Push, just push. Breathe in and out. You're doing good, Danielle. Captain, plan on putting the scrubs on anytime?"

"I don't--"

"James, please. Oooowww! Pain, hurt!" Danielle took in deep breaths, exhaling each one at a rapid pace. "He's a fighter, James." She looked up, her brown eyes meeting his blue ones. A moment of peace passed over her face. "Just like you." Then, she whimpered, her eyes squeezing shut.

"Jim, now."

Kirk stared, stunned, then grabbed the pair of scrubs and pulled them on. He followed Bones' directions and went to stand beside Danielle. She gave a weak smile at him, putting her hand up. He grabbed it without hesitation and squeezed. "Thank you."

He nodded curtly, but not without feeling sick to his stomach. He looked at Danielle, thinking. A child. His child. It just wasn't possible. He huffed. "Danielle, I'm sorry, but are you sure it's mine?"

"I'm not like you, James!" she screeched. "I don't sleep around! And he's a baby, not an 'it'!" Bones chuckled, drawing Kirk's attention; he attempted to look down at the doctor, but Danielle stopped him. "No peeking, you pervert!"

"I wasn't--" But for once, he let it be. While he waited, he began making mental calculations, thinking about the last time he was on Earth. When he'd finished summing everything up, he frowned. "Danielle, the last time I saw you was seven and a half months ago."

"So?! Ever heard of a preemie? Like you, but in a different context, he's coming early! Ooow!"

"Push, you're doing great."

Kirk, exasperated, looked down at Bones. "This is normal, right?"

"Her hatred towards you? Yeah, all women go through it."

"What a comfort."

"Here he comes, push Miss McKaygen. Push!"

She did her best to do so, all the while squeezing the life out of Kirk's hand. He grinded his teeth, but said nothing. He was too smart for that. He attempted to block out the screaming and Bones' shouted instructions. Finally, she gave one final push (and nearly breaking Kirk's fingers in the process) and Bones told,

"Good, good! You're done! You're done."

Danielle threw her head back, closing her eyes as Kirk leaned forward. Her breathing was escalated, but he wasn't paying attention to that. There was no crying. Didn't all babies come out crying? Why was there no crying?

"Bones." But Bones wasn't paying attention. His eyebrows were knitted as he concentrated on the task at hand. "Bones, is the baby okay? It's a boy, right?"

"It's uh--" Then his worried, concentrating expression changed. He help something up. "Well, would you look at that? It's neither boy nor girl." He watched his captain's expression, then took to laughing. Dropping what he'd be holding, he buried his face in his hands, but didn't bother to hide his exaggerated laughter.

Kirk let go of Danielle's hand. He bent over to big up what Bones had dropped: a pillow. A fluffy, white, cottony pillow. Furious, he looked under Danielle's medical robe; she was fully dressed and wearing a pair of shorts. Snickers came. He looked up.

"Oh, that was good!" Danielle exclaimed, suddenly no longer tired and in pain. She too began laughing out loud, holding into the side of her body for support. She sat up. "Please, oh please, tell me we were recording that!"

"Oh, no one will miss this performance!"

"Bones!" But Kirk was still focused on the woman in the room. The actress, he now remembered. A slue o f cuss words ran through his head. "Why, you little--"

"Careful, Jim. We're still recording!" Bones pointed upward to where Kirk could now see a camera. "Thank you, Miss McKaygen. You are truly my new best friend."

"Well, when you get what you deserve--"

They ran off on another tangent of laughter, snorts, and giggles.

She'd never been pregnant. There was no baby. He wasn't about to be a father. It's was all one undeserved--well, undeserved to him--prank. He didn't know whether to strangle Bones in rage or kiss himin relief. Either would make life rather awkward. Instead, he threw the pillow, hard, at the doctor and, humiliated and infuriated, he stormed from Sickbay.

"Stupid man," he grumbled to himself, striding in a particularly fast pace. "So full of…bullshit…wife might have the planet…I'll take space…won't have his bones left…"

"James."

"What?!" Kirk looked up to see a beautiful woman standing before him. She was startled, but didn't seem likely to leave. "Oh. Hi."

"Are you okay?" she asked, a bit frightened.

"Yeah. Sure, sure. What can I do for you?"

"Our date tomorrow. Are we still on?"

His eyes widened. Woman. Dating. Sex. New feelings of anger thrashed within his body, threatening to penetrate the surface. Ugh. "No. Um, no. No." He rushed past her, leaving the girl thoroughly confused.

No?

Needless to say, he wouldn't be dating for a long time.

Read and review. Please.

AL


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